I’ve been wrestling with the Lord in regards to finances this last week. It’s not that I’ve run out of money or anything it’s just there’s only ever just enough. It’d be nice to have excess for a change. It’d be nice to be able to save a bit. I’ve been wrestling with God because it often seems like there won’t be enough. So I was praying about this a couple of weeks back. It was a Saturday morning and because I’m moving house I was more worried than usual. I sent up a few sentences of prayer as I lay in bed. The prayer went something like this: “Lord how is this house moving thing going to work financially?” It was super simple, really short. Then I got out of bed. I noticed something had been put under my door. It was $100. (Thank you, by the way, to whoever that was. It was totally the voice of God to me!) Amazing. What is even more amazing is that I live on a mission base with other missionaries who all live by faith. They don’t have spare money. This must have been the Lord speaking to one of them and through them to me.
The great frustration is that I’ve had experiences like this literally hundreds of times. Yet I still worry. I still just want God to make me financially secure so that I don’t have to keep asking every week. Why am I so stubborn and lacking in faith?
Anyway, so Thursday and Friday of last week I was worrying. The rent is not the problem, it’s all the initial set up costs. When you worry you tend to take your mind and heart off God. The voices in your head kind of snow ball into a big storm which feels overwhelming. Then I started to question the goodness of God. After that I started wondering why He felt so far away and distant. “Why can’t I hear Your voice Lord? I feel like You’ve abandoned me.”
I drove home from work and I sat down at my desk. One sentence ran through my head: “Everything about Me is beautiful.” That’s all it was. But my head was suddenly filled with memories of driving from Adelaide to Sydney. I remembered the beauty of the rolling hills and yellow grass between Wagga Wagga and Gundagai. I remembered the flat expanse of nothingness in every direction around Hay. I opened up Vimeo and searched for travel videos. As I watched, my heart opened up as God poured the beauty of His creation into me. Suddenly, a heart that felt cold and dead 15 minutes before was tender and aching and longing for Him. The size of my struggle regarding finance dwindled from an 8 out of 10 to a 2 out of 10. How can the God who is bigger than the ocean and the sky and mountains not provide for my small, petty needs? Faith and love filled my heart. “You’re beautiful Jesus!” I breathed.
In the midst of the cares of this world, when all seems unbearable the beauty of who He is brings us back to His loving embrace.